Many articles have been written about the lifestyle of a
pro. They are all lying, of course. The first rule of the Pro Club is that you
don't talk about it. Nobody ever tells the truth because it just doesn't sell.
You are a consumer.
Staring at the bottom of your glass, you reflect upon yet
another weekend. Yet another city that looks the same as the last one, yet
another airport, yet another convention center, yet another hotel. This is your
life, and it's ending one minute at a time.
If the tournament is a success, you drink to celebrate. A
failure and you drink to commiserate. Either way, the alcohol dulls the extreme
emotions of victory and defeat. This tournament might be one of the lucky ones,
where you make the early-morning trip home with some hardware jammed into your
backpack, a phone full of notifications, and some weariness lifted from your
heart. But most of the time, you are simply hungover and empty, passing your
documents to the official before boarding your plane home.
Why would anyone want to live this life? One might also
ask why someone would become a heroin addict. Cardboard crack is just as
addictive as its cousin, and it has even been said that "nobody ever
really leaves Magic, they just take breaks." Magic, the little scratch on
the roof of your mouth that would heal if only you could stop tonguing it, but
you can't.
As a young person seeking escape from a grime and lonely
existence, Magic was the perfect vessel. It slowly changed from an escape to
something more, as you became more and more competitive and began to reach
higher and higher tiers of play. Attempts to play FNM or casual games of
Commander couldn't get the juices going anymore, you now require a higher
dosage of the drug only available at high-stakes tournaments.
You are awake late at night, unable to sleep, too many
thoughts caught swirling around in your mind. With insomnia, nothing's real.
Everything's far away. You're never really asleep, and you're never really
awake. You head downstairs to the couch, turn on the television. A late night
talk show host is going on about some debate. You haven't really been following
the election. You shift over and knock a stack of cards over, and frantically
drop to the floor to gather them all back up into a stack.
You wake up to the sound of your alarm clock. Somehow you
had dragged yourself back into bed and slept for 7 hours. Its already 2pm, and
your flight is leaving in a couple hours. You check your phone to see where you
are off to this time. Providence, RI. What format is that again? You check your
luggage. No cards packed, it must be a limited event. You wake up at O'Hare
airport. Your last memory was checking your bags before leaving your house.
"I pass the turn. Go ahead." Your head bobs up.
You have 5 cards in your hand. 3 lands in play. Your opponent has 5 creatures
and your life-pad says you are on 3 life. Doesn't seem like you are winning
this one.
Another round. You see your opponent signing the match
slip, carefully check to see that its 2-1 in your favor. Good thing you got
that one. What round is it again? The slip says 12. You always communicate in
algebraic notation, only the losses matter, the number of wins changes yet
remains irrelevant. You've already accumulated three losses, and in a tournament
of this size your chances of top 8 are precisely zero. You simply have to grind
out the last few rounds for pro points and cash. The money means nothing to
you, it’s simply a number on a computer screen as your online account registers
your input of cash, and as you pay bills, the numbers go up and down, up and
down. As long as the number never reaches zero, it doesn't matter what it is.
You remember a time when the number was so close to zero, and few of the
changes were upwards, when earning $250 at a Grand Prix meant something to you.
Now you flip coins in the parking lot for thousands of dollars, having started
for smaller stakes, but kept on going up and up when flipping for $20 no longer
gave you that rush you craved. Just like playing Magic for $250 no longer
matters to you. You've dropped from events you could have won a single round in
to cash.
You wake up to the sounds of your stomach growling. Home.
You check your phone. It says you got 3 pro points in Providence. Good work.
Heading downstairs, you open the fridge. There's some bread in the freezer, but
the fridge is empty besides a bottle of ketchup, some half-rotten lettuce, an
old jar of strawberry jam, and what looks like a couple spoons full of peanut
butter. How embarrassing, a house full
of condiments but no food. You close the fridge and drop to your knees on the
ground, laying your head on the cool marble countertop, purchased from an Ikea
catalog. You've just slept for 13 hours, yet you still feel exhausted. That’s
what a weekend of mental exertion with little sleep and a couple of flights
will do to you.
People say you are lucky. That you are living the dream.
Everywhere you go, they are all the same. Lawyers, Engineers, Teachers.
"Do you have another job? How do you make enough money?" are
constantly asked. The players you encounter commend you for your skill, and ask for advice you
know will ultimately not help them at all. None of them ask questions worth
asking. They only want to know what is the next deck to buy, what cards to
bring in against this matchup, what is your secret shortcut to being so good.
They don't want to know the truth, that success requires deep introspection,
self-analysis and extreme dedication. They don't want to be told that even if
they tried their hardest and did everything right, they simply aren't smart
enough to succeed. "But at least you do what you love," you are told.
This story ends with you on a plane, sitting next to a
man in a dark grey suit, sipping on a vodka tonic. Like others, he asked you
what you did for a living out of habit, but when he found out his fake interest
became real. You look at his briefcase and thousand-dollar watch and wonder if
his lifestyle makes him happy, or if he also feels the same melancholy you do.
You take out your laptop and begin to slowly drudge out yet another article.
