Thursday, July 8, 2010


I’ve just gotten a bunch of spoilers for an upcoming Magic set. I guess they’re combining regular Magic with the appeal of those “Pro Player” inserts they used to put in starter decks. Anyways, the set looks pretty sweet so far. I didn’t have time to put any commentary, just wanted to get you the spoiler ASAP. Enjoy!!

Luis Scott-Vargas
Creature – Master
Put a durdle counter on Luis: put a 0/1 Pun token into play.
Put a burdle counter on Luis: win target tournament.
Having pun yet?

Mark Rosewater
Legendary Creature – Master Designer
T: put 8,000 words onto the stack.
Whenever a green spell destroys a creature, a blue spell deals damage, a white spell draws more than one card, a red spell gains life, or a black spell destroys an enchantment, sacrifice Mark Rosewater.
Reporter: So you’ve been working on the game for over 15 years, spending hours and hours every week thinking about and playing Magic, and yet you still aren’t any good at it?
MaRo: Well, I’m ok, but not very good, no.
Reporter: So it must not be the kind of thing smart people get better at over time, right?
MaRo: No, it is.


Aaron Forsythe
Creature – Developer
As long as Aaron is in play, Enchant Worlds named Power Creep cannot leave play.
T: target creature gains +2/+2, but its converted mana cost remains the same.
Ask only whether we can print this card at this cost, not whether we should.

Stephen Menendian
Creature - Human Troll
Protection from Rationality
When Stephen comes into play, search your library for a card named Circular Logic and put it into your hand.
0: Put a pie chart or graph into play, this token has no abilities.
T: Target Troll gains +2/+2 and is indestructible as long as Stephen remains tapped.

Cedric Phillips
Creature – Human Gamer
T: Change the mode of target spell. (Ignore any targets of previous modes and select new
targets if appropriate).
“His deck selection is even worse than his taste in music,” said Oona. “Impossible,” replied Ajani.

Conley Woods
Creature – Human Rogue
When Conley comes into play, exile your library and replace it with target deck from the Casual
(Anything Goes) room. Flip 3 coins, if they are all heads, you win the game.
“They probably won’t expect Chandra Ablaze.”

James Gates
Creature – Ginger
(Gingers have no soul).
When one million teenage girls play a song, put a copy of that song into James’ iPod.
Making my way downtown. Walking fast. Faces pass and I’m homebound.

Matt Nass
Creature – Human Rookie
At the beginning of each phase, mention that you won a GP playing elves.
If you ever win another GP, target Hell’s temperature becomes 0 degrees Celsius.

David Ochoa
Creature – Human Gamer
Can block creatures with flying.
Evil played Lightning Bolt…-wait what are you saying?...- my opponent cast a Lightning Bolt…-Oh, ok. Go on.

Patrick Chapin
Planeswalker –Innovator
+1: You may reveal an instant card in your hand to all players, if you do, search your library for a card with the same mana cost and put it into your hand. (mana cost checks types and amounts of mana in the cost).
0: Draw 2 cards, then put a card from your hand on top of your library.
-2: Take an extra turn after this one.
Loyalty: 3

Brian Kibler
G, Discard a card: Target creature gets +2/+2 until end of turn.
G, Sacrifice Brian: Target creature gets +2/+2 until end of turn.

Creature - Human

Jamie Wakefield
Creature – Human
At the beginning of your upkeep, if the cards you own in all zones add up to 62, you win the

Mike Flores
Legendary Creature – Writer
At the beginning of your upkeep, put a Has Been counter on Flores unless any player says “Never Was,” in which case put a Never Was counter on Flores.
As long as Flores has a counter on him, he is 0/5.
Tap an untapped Good Player you control, that creature becomes equipped by any Deck attached to Flores, and wins target tournament.
"Anderson Verejao is better than Kobe Bryant." -Mindless Null

Brian David-Marshall
Creature – Coverage Artist
T: reduce the utility of target deck tech segment by 50%.
Those who can’t play, judge. Those who can’t judge, do coverage.

Lan D. Ho
Creature – Filmmaker Gamer
Protection from Hipsters
No Pants are too small to equip Lan D. Ho.

Todd Anderson
Creature – Grinder
If Kali Anderson isn’t in play, Todd counts as the best player from that Marriage.

Osyp Lebedowicz
Creature – Master Dancer
If Osyp is the target of a Dance-off, destroy all other targets of that Dance-off.

Gerard Fabiano
Creature – Human
If Gerard becomes equipped or enchanted by a Catch Phrase game machine, it may not be removed from him until the end of the game.
Is his success at the game inspiring or depressing to those who wish to succeed but also would like to believe skill is involved?

Paul Rietzl
Artifact Creature – Beast
Sacrifice an Artifact, put a +1/+1 counter on Paul.
When Paul attacks, he acts like he sucks, but he deals the normal amount of damage based on his power.
Zoo with Punishing Fire? Thanks for the offer, but Nassif said I can borrow his Affinity deck so I’m all set.

Paulo Vitor Dama Da Rosa
Creature – Master
T: Overstate every position you assert in any article, but win enough and be generally correct enough that it doesn’t matter.
After watching the World Cup, PV is happy the good Dutch pros quit the PT.

Legendary Creature – Master Deckbuilder
When Zvi comes into play, exile all female creatures.
"I thought I was alone on the PT until I met Zvi." –Cackling Fiend

Money Draft
Remove all money counters from target Master.

Steven Birklid
Creature – Alaskan Curler
If any opponent’s graveyard contains a card named Incinerate, sacrifice Steven.
Sweep a broom in front of target rock: until end of turn, target hobby seems like a reasonable way to spend all your free time.

Evan Erwin
Creature – Community Organizer
0: Name a card from the new set you believe will be a chase rare. That spell will not be a chase rare.
Those who can’t play, judge, do coverage, or write, do webcasts.

Mark Herberholz
Creature – Alcoholic
T: destroy target liver.
0: ignore target lack of consent.

David Williams
During your upkeep, flip 15 coins. If you win every flip, you gain 4 million life.
T: gain control of target barnacle.
"<3 DW" –YD

Sam Stein
Whenever you flip a coin you may flip two coins and choose one instead.
Tap Sam and an untapped Matt Sperling you control: win target money draft.
Sam may not be sacrificed to hypothetical effects that cure cancer.
“If I found out my opponent's 2 year old daughter had cancer and the only cure was me NOT winning the PTQ, lets just say I hope she likes chemo, cuz I came to win.” – Someone (wink) pretending to be Sam Stein on a message board.

Number of Pro Tours Hydra
Creature - Avatar
NOPTH comes into play with 5 Pro Tour counters.
At the end of your turn, if your life total is 5 or less, remove a Pro Tour counter from NOPTH.
At the end of your turn, if your life total is 20 or more, and NOPTH has less than 5 counters on it, add a Pro Tour counter to it. (this last ability was removed the card just before printing)
Best year ever for MTG, let's leverage this into more multiplayer box sets!

PTQ Judge
When any player requests a ruling, flip a coin, the winner of the flip wins the ruling.

PT Judge
When any player requests a ruling, flip a coin, the winner of the flip wins the ruling. Call the head judge on appeal.

Team/2HG Pro Tour
Legendary Artifact
0: put a Vote for Return counter on Team/2HG Pro Tour. Any player may play this ability.
When Team/2HG Pro Tour has thousands of Vote for Return counters on it, ignore it.

“Dude, I have a family”
If you would lose the game, instead your opponent concedes. Opponent may choose to ignore this card’s effect.
I didn’t let you take back that attack, but you’re asking me if I want to concede? Hmmm, maybe the answer is over here on this result slip, lemme take a look…

Elder Dragon Highlander
Enchant World
When EDH comes into play, the game is a draw. Each player reveals his or her library to all other players, discusses how cool their deck is, and has a good laugh.
Isn’t this a better version of Magic than playing “net decks”?

Adam Yurchick’s Mom’s Vagina
Destroy target land.

Tom Martell
Creature - Ex-Lawyer
T: choose a stock, pay 5 life, flip a coin, if you win, gain 6 life.
If Matt Sperling is in play, Tom Martell must attack each turn if able.
Obscurity, awkwardness, incompetence, a Jedi craves not these things. -Yoda.

Megan Holland's Cupcakes
Artifact - Equipment
Equipped creature gains 10 pounds.
Equip 1

Legendary Land - Island
When Curacao enters the battlefield, exile all Dutch, German, and Broke Pros as long as Curacao remains in play.

Las Vegas
Legendary Land - Desert
At the beginning of your upkeep, you gain 2 life and 1 poison counter.

Average Person Who Comments on My Articles
Creature - Zombie
"They groaned, they stirred, they all uprose, / Nor spake, nor moved their eyes; / It had been strange, even in a dream, / To have seen those dead men rise." -Samuel Coleridge, "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner"


  1. Aggressively funny.

  2. Daaaaaaaaamn. Some are hilarious, some prettttty rough. But mostly hilarious.

  3. Too hot for TV.

  4. It's articles like this that help grow the community as a whole and make me happy to know other magic players. It saddens me that CFB banned this. Thank you for making our game a better experience and please continue your compassionate and sympathetic stance you hold towards others.

  5. I got every single one of these jokes and didn't crack a smile. You are awk.

  6. The Evan Erwin one literally made me laugh out loud!

  7. "0: ignore target lack of consent."

    Are...are you saying Mark Heberholz raped someone?

  8. Got all the jokes except the "Dude, I have a family one." Anyone care to enlighten me?
    I think you should do one for yourself, by the way.

  9. All hilarious, except Chapin's is overly positive (what's he done lately again?) and it sounds like you're suggesting Heberholz is a drunken rapist.

    The BDM one is the best. "those who can't do coverage, do the OFFICIAL WOTC pro tour coverage. " He's so bad.

  10. Comedy! Guess I'll have to wait till the next expansion for Trick Jarret's Bitch Tits, but wouldn't it be something if they were a promotional foil? Maybe a split card like Unglued's B.F.M.? I'll take a "playset," please.

  11. Jamie Wakefield

    Planeswalker- Donkey

    +1: Target creature becomes an 0/1 Donkey. Use this ability only if the targeted creature has called a judge this turn.

    -1: Choose a card you own outside the game named All is Dust and add it to your decklist.

    -1000000: Win the game. Use this ability only if your hand is Pelakka Wurm, All is Dust, and five lands, and only on the first turn of the game.

    Loyalty: 4

    "I like Lands"

  12. Bennie Smith
    Legendary Creature - Green Fan
    Protection from blue
    Bennie Smith can't be countered.
    Bennie Smith may deal General damage as though he was your General.
    If there are two or more copies of any nonbasic land permanent in the battlefield that are owned by the same player, sacrifice all but one of them.
    Blue spells draw no cards, can't counter other spells, can't target green creatures and cost 3 more to play.
    Green creatures you control get +5/+5, trample, vigilance and "Whenever this creature attacks, search your library for a land card and put it into the battlefield tapped".

  13. At first I didn't get this one:
    Adam Yurchick’s Mom’s Vagina
    Destroy target land.
    But my brain start rolling and I got a good 5 minute laugh attack

    1. Me too. Except 10 minutes. Actually I'm still laughing.

  14. "All hilarious, except Chapin's is overly positive (what's he done lately again?)"

    He designed Next Level Bant and released an actual book about Magic.

  15. I laughed, I smiled, I shook my head. Nicely done, sir.

  16. lol at yurchick's mom
    so true about mrorange "spectral procession is bad"

  17. Fantastic work. CFB editors need to lighten up.
    I noticed you are missing a Gerry T card...

    Creature - Dick
    Whenever GerryT leaves the game, target opponent must listen to GerryT talk about how awesome GerryT is.

  18. This garbage has no place in the MtG community. Thank God your editor has some common sense.

  19. Dow Jonze ChemicalJuly 9, 2010 at 8:55 AM

    Kai Budde
    WURBG (domain)
    Creature - Avatar
    Annihilator 4
    When Kai Budde enters the battlefield, you win the PT unless opponent controls a creature named Jon Finkel.


    Jon Finkel
    Legendary Creature-God of Magic
    Protection from Magic Cards
    When you cast Jon Finkel, target opponent runs away shouting, "He killed two stones with one bird!"
    When Jon Finkel enters the battlefield, tear up target Kai Budde.

    Dow Jonze Chemical
    Legendary Creature- Troll
    When Dow Jonze Chemical enters the battlefield, comment on every article/thread about MTG ever written despite the fact that you haven't played competitive Magic since Affinity was a deck, and never set the PT/GP circuit alight anyway.
    4/4 if you're lucky

    The last one is about me...I felt it was good to be a little self depricating, as there are many a-truth that lie in jest...

    I love controversy. Great blog entry. Your Herberholz card made me laugh so hard and is my favorite.

  20. I think you might need to find the line between "funny" and "mean" a bit better. I agree that whoever decided not to print this made the correct decision.

    That's not to say the article's without humor. There are certainly some good ones in here, but many are just petty and belong at a kitchen table among friends, not on a public forum (especially not a Magic site trying to build a reputation). Call this article yet another casualty of the internet. People losing the distinction between public and private.

    And I'm still confused on the Patrick Chapin one. Is there a joke I'm missing? I don't get it; alcoholism and rape are fair game in your article, but jail-time and giving yourself a nickname aren't?

  21. dumbest shit ever. glad cfb didn't post this...

  22. Hilarious. I can definitely see why CF wouldn't publish it though.

    I also don't get the Patrick Chapin one.

  23. As usual, your natural combination of elitism, snobbery, ignorance, and downright dickery shine through. CFB probably wouldn't have published this even if it were funny- it's not strategy content, and it teaches players nothing other than "Pros are dicks."

  24. **it teaches players nothing other than "Pros are dicks."**

    And your point is, caller? You think anyone reading this actually needs to be 'taught' that some pros are dicks, and that some aren't? Is it reasonable to expect that the elitism, arrogance and cliquishness that comes from accomplishment in any intellectual competition should somehow mystically be absent from top-level Magic?

    When the controversy-du-jour involves shafting your opponent with a dick move (read: Esper Charm), where a sizable proportion of the voices are championing this kind of dick play as perfectly proper and even laudable, can we honestly be surprised?

    After reading this article over and thinking about it, I became dismayed that we are eating our own. But then I came to think that maybe a little snarky irreverent piss-taking was *exactly* the tonic we needed.

  25. Dow Jonze ChemicalJuly 9, 2010 at 4:25 PM

    and slandering/flaming others is completely fine, as long as you post it anonymously. God Bless the intarwebz...

  26. I think all of these were clever and funny save, perhaps the one about Yurchick's mom; that was a bit eigth grade.
    I love how Cedric is double black. Negroid.

  27. Seriously, we need a card about Gerry T for being the cocksmoking, elitist, pompous, dumb, gay, condescending, lanky, faggoty, not-doing-anything-in-life, cockbag cunt that he is.

  28. Mark Heberholz IS A RAPIST!

    Better report this to magicnation

  29. "Seriously, we need a card about Gerry T for being the cocksmoking, elitist, pompous, dumb, gay, condescending, lanky, faggoty, not-doing-anything-in-life, cockbag cunt that he is."

    $10 says this comment about GerryT is from GerryT.

    I'm going to use my money to buy me some Tombstone pizzas, and I AM EXCITED.

  30. I'm thinking about putting together a mono-black deck with cedric, Osyp and David Williams.

  31. yall r douche nozzles. but its fine. there's a fine line and you crossed it. pity.

  32. I thought a good number of these were funny, and you raised some real issues here. But I do agree that some of the personal cards were outright cold.

  33. Ffffffreak
    Creature - Human


  34. do ben bleiwess?

  35. Kibler's definitely gave me the biggest laugh.

  36. almost all of that is not so interesting and probably demonstrated how idiot you are....
    but there is kind of 2 or 3 that is just for laughing

  37. ^ English only at the table please.

  38. I had a good laugh. I do hope though that this wasn't seriously intended for CF as some of the comments seem to have suggested.

  39. Kibler's one was the funniest by far! Well done.

  40. I'm not impressed by this level of sophomoric humor.

  41. Evan erwin was probably sitting all weeek saying you were wrong, until the price for time reversal plummeted.

  42. I am guessing that the guy that made the "negroid" comment got smacked around a lot by his mom's (or dad's) black boy friends. Thats so sad.

  43. There are definitely some comedic gems... but those are infrequent compared to the seemingly nonsensical petty insults that come out of left field and mar what would otherwise be a great collection of witty satire. I think if this article would've been edited properly, it could have run on CFB... although admittedly a lot shorter. It's always interesting to see another side of MTG though... thanks for the insight.

    PS. Sorry for the Anonymous comment... didn't feel like logging in.

  44. Fucking fantastic form, sir.

  45. I personally think this artical was the tits. good job sperling

  46. Kurt Hahn (3B, Creature - Human Asshole)
    When Kurt Hahn enters the battlefield, search your library for a card named Bottle Gnomes and put it into play.
    Whenever a card named Bottle Gnomes leaves play, target creature gets -1/-3 until end of turn and you gain 3 life.

  47. funny. need to dial it back some for publication. can see why it wasn't put on CF. someone explain the PChapin joke.

  48. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  49. I really liked the Conley woods one, Human Rogue.

    @ Dow Jonze: your budde & finkel are also hilarious!!

  50. Awesome...I really can't believe you missed GerryT thou. Johnny Medina would have been cool too. And I disagree with everyone saying you need to not be so harsh. It was twice as funny because you were harsh and everyone needs to be able to take a joke.

    PS I am still enjoying that Wasteland you traded me back at the PTQ in Costa Mesa. Look forward to trading with you again someday.

  51. Good job. agree with cfb though

  52. Smi77y (0 Artifact- Equipment)

    Equip 0: Attach Smi77y to target pro player or contributor's nutsack

    Sacrifice Smi77y: Search your library for an obviously good card and put it into play. Then pretend to be a superior card evaluator for "calling it"

  53. Good one, thanks for sharing.

  54. Matt Sperling
    Quasi-Legendary Creature-Gamer

    When Matt Sperling comes into play, search the draft for six cards named Scorching Missile and shuffle them into your library.

    Creatures you control may attack, but choose not to.

    When a creature named Giant Spider enters the battlefield, Matt Sperling runs screaming from the kitchen.


    "The way he taps his cards, the way he attacks with his creatures, he's just so.....arrogant!"

  55. @ Anonymous who liked my cards...thanks. I thought of some more stuff ad hoc, but whatever...

    @Racism- Haven't you been dying a slow death since the 1960s? Seriously, what is with all the unchecked racist crap I have been seeing as of late in the MTG player community? Arrested Development? Live in a cave/Mississippi? or were you just freshly squeezed from someone's ass and have no idea of history or civil rights?

    If you are gonna post epithets, you should at least have the balls to put your name on the comment, you degenerate.

    Mr. Sperling, you should delete the above epithet. Leaving it on here just makes people think you condone it...doesn't look good for the Bar Association either.

  56. Deleted, thanks for pointing it out to me.

  57. Evan Erwin
    Creature - Ass-kisser

    Tap: Give target Patrick Chapin a sloppy blowjob.

  58. Gerry Thompson
    Legendary Nomad


    When GerryT enters play put a pizza token into play.

    0: Sacrifice a pizza token: regenerate GerryT

    Tap: gain control of target deck or gain target couch at players house.

    Sacrifice GerryT: win match with a terrible deck.

  59. Alex Bertoncini 2GG
    Legendary Creature - Human Cheatyface
    Alex Bertoncini cannot be blocked by female minors.
    When Alex Bertoncini enters the battlefield, draw two cards and you may play two additional lands this turn.